There has been a great deal of excitement around team headquarters with the first change to our game-day uniforms in three years.  For 2012, our home and away uniforms will be paired with a new hat: A Montreal Expos inspired throwback look. 

Prices will remain low with only a marginal increase in costs expected to offset the new hats ($5-$10).  Deposits for players are due by March 18th.  For more details on getting registered for 2012, visit the Registration page.

The Calendar has been updated to reflect our off-season workouts, and events.  It also shows the schedule for our 2012 Winter League.  The Winter League Team will feature Matt Dugovich, Jeff Trojan, Brian Strom, Greg Wittmer, Joe Graff, and Tim Maul.  These boys will be sure to knock the ball around the cages of the All-American Center in Penn-Trafford.

The Bulldogs will continue their tradition of Sunday morning winter workouts and mid-week BP and bullpen sessions.  The Sunday mornings will likely be held at Avonworth High School, and Mid-week BP at Greentree Sportsplex.

On a personnel front, Christian Necheff and Tricky Dick Larson are moving on to the Tobacco Fields of North Carolina, and the Snow-Capped Mountains of Colorado respectively.  In their place, the Bulldogs are actively recruiting some pitching help while looking to maximize their internal options.

Yeah, we got our own superhero

The Lawdog, or Justin "IronMan" Stark will be leaned upon to drop fewer deuces pre-game, and maximize his talents in-game.  Jeff Rowand and John Watson will see their roles increase as well, as they attempt to become top starters in the NABA.  Marc "the Merc" Morris looks to have found a permanent home in the NABA and will attend to bolster the Bulldogs pitching staff after dismantling the Fall League with his arsenal of power fastballs, bank fraud, and perpetual mass texting.

For the 28+ team, the return of two legends will spark the roster in 2012.  Dan Morgan, and Bill Boyd look to return to their old ways of dominating the diamond.  No word on if they are bringing back Crazy Legs Kramer, The Gunslinger Bill Jacobs, or have coaxed the venerable Rick Beyer from their retirements.  Only time can tell.

Make sure to sign the petition to remove Joe from his duty as commissioner of the league.

http://southoaklandducks.net/2011/07/20/playoffs-start-sunday-july-24th/

(scroll down to the comments)

Vinny with an All-Star rant... GayUnit69 sounds a lot like Trojan.  Thanks to all for keeping me entertained at work.  The season isn't complete without Holloway bitching about something on the blogs.

Why the hell did this come up when I typed in "cookie crumbling" on Google?

Since our last engagement your dream team has participated in three contests, against the Cranberries, Devils, and Sharks.  So let’s dive right into the action:

On Thursday, June 30, the Bulldogs took the field to face the Cranberry Cranberries for the third and final time in the regular season.  Moore Park was the location for the battle and was in rare form as we would have been safer playing on a bed of nails or say, the Rocky Mountains.  I mean it was truly awful, never played on a worse surface.  So all of you city of Pittsburgh workers in charge of taking care of parks and recreation areas…kill yourself.

Please oblige, park workers

Anyways, Justin Stark took the mound for the ‘dogs, and like every time he does, it was an adventure.  And I don’t say that negatively towards him, but we always seem to be in a tight game when he toes the rubber.  He went 4 strong innings, k’ing 6 and allowing 2 ER.  Future proctologist Jeff Rowand made his season debut on the mound and went 2 innings and struck out 4 Cranberries.  And lastly Christian Necheff came in to close it out; shutting down the bad guys in one inning of work with 3 k’s to notch only the second save for the Bulldogs all year.  Good guys 5, Cranberries 3.  Also of note, Rowand hit the ‘dogs’ first homerun of the year, albeit an inside-the-parker and a triple.  And Justin Stark continued his gastronomical battle with his own colon and continued to lose, spraying his dirty musk all over the dugout area.

Fart 1

Fart 2

Had to put these 3 fart pics in

Next up for the Bulldogs, on Saturday, July 2, came a matchup against the expansion “A” leaguers, the Devils.  I can’t really relay much information about this game as I was only around for 3 innings before having to go boom-boom with some bridesmaids at a wedding, but it was 10-0 when I departed.  I found out later that the good guys were victorious by a 16-1 margin after 5 innings.  I assume giant Dick Larson went the distance (though nobody kept the stats in our book for the opposing Devils, dumbasses) and got the win.  Eric Fleming, who flew in his entire family tree from Minnesota earlier in the week with his signing bonus money received from the ‘dogs, apparently went bananas off the dismal pitching (I gotta hate on you Flem since I had to leave early and didn’t get to enjoy the batting practice).  Fleming finished 4-4 with a 1B, 2B, and 2 HR (albeit inside-the-parkers at Pie Traynor) and 3 rbi’s while all I got was an rbi single and a 45mph fastball off my bulging left bicep before I had to leave.

Fleming and the fam

The next episode of Bulldog’s baseball came on Sunday, July 3, against probably our newest hated rivals, the West View Sharks (DISCLAIMER: if you don’t want to hear about people who bitch, whine, complain, and play like complete bush-leaguers and douche bags, skip the following write-up).  The matchup took place at the old stomping grounds of Bulldog greats Joe Graff, Marc Morris, Dustin Hirsh, and apparently former Bulldog Brian Miller (I say apparently because I haven’t seen his wankster ass in quite some time) at North Hills High School.

Shark player or fan

Once again, just when you thought they couldn’t get any worse, the umpires set a new low for themselves, but for both sides.  But while the Bulldogs merely resented the umpires and made comments about their mothers under their breath, the Sharks’ white trash fans and bush league players constantly bitched and moaned and ran in from the outfield to protest calls and repeatedly commented that the umps were favoring the ‘dogs due to the guy who runs the league being on our team.  They also called out “I got it” like before when our players were trying to catch fly balls, etc.  Grow the fuck up.  This isn’t little league any more, keep your mouths shut and play the game and please tell your dirty ass parents and friends to stay home because most of them don’t even know how baseball is played, let alone are intelligent enough to comment on it.  Whew, that was fun.

Shark player or fan 2

Had to throw this up too

BACK TO THE ACTION…Christian Necheff toed the rubber for the ‘dogs, and while he had quite the easy go against the Sharks in our first meeting, gave up a few more hits than last time this go around.  Necheff did go the whole 7 though, striking out 10, but gave up 9 hits and 3 ER.  I can’t remember if it was the bottom of the 6^th or 7^th, but after a dropped fly ball in centerfield, John Watson redeemed himself by gunning down a runner attempting to score from 2^nd with that lightening rod of an arm he got from wrestling steers and queers in Texas.  In the end it was a nail-biter, but your favorite Bulldogs wound up prevailing 6-5.  This victory gave the ‘dogs at least a win of the regular season series, with the Sharks and Bulldogs still having to play their final game, and your good guys looking for the season sweep.  In addition, Jeff Rowand had another monster day, going 3-4 with 2 doubles and 3 rbi while Eric Fleming continued to be a stud in front of his family going 2-2 with a double and 2 walks.

Watson and his former southern neighbors about to gang rape livestock

So as I mentioned before, the Bulldogs have 1 remaining game against the salacious Sharks, but also have 3 more tough division matchups to be made up with 2 against the Slurricanes and 1 against the greasy Oilers.  The only non-division match to be played is against the ‘dogs’ former division rival, the Emsworth Warriors.  All of these games are to be made up before July 23.

And that’s it for me, I seriously can’t write anything funny as I’m too pissed off since I’m unable to go on vacation next week due to some high-profile meetings I can’t postpone…but hopefully that means $$$ plus I won’t have to miss any Bulldogs’ games, so yea! Gay.  After going on vacation every summer for 24 years, now I’ve gone two summers without one…depressing.  Oh well, I’ll have to stock up on personal lubricant, Kleenexes, and Chef Boyardee since I’ll have the crib to myself next week.  Until next time, keep it real, wrap it up, and I’m out like handicapped parking at the Special Olympics…PEACE.

Yes, this is the second personal lubricant pic ever on the blog

This and the above pic are all I need for a happy week alone

Picture of me when either I can't get porn to load or fantasy baseball is down

As bad as it was to have a full week off in between games, especially before a crucial divisional matchup against the Slurricanes, it hurts even more when THAT fuckin game gets rained out and our team has yet to touch a baseball since June 18^th.  And the ‘dogs STILL won’t get to touch a baseball till this Thursday, when they take on another divisional opponent, the Cranberry Cranberries.  The Bulldogs will travel to Moore Park for a 9pm matchup where we hope to not get malaria from the infestation of mosquitoes that inhabit that dump.  The last time the ‘dogs played the ‘berries was at Moore Park and the good guys came out victorious 17-1.  The Bulldogs also beat the boys from ‘berry earlier in the season 5-0 and Thursday night’s game will be the last one between the two squads until possibly the playoffs.

What?

In other news, the Elliot Elliots fell to the Black Sox of Brookline this past Thursday night, 5-3.  Thank you Mr. Kenny Powers and your squad for finally proving that the Elliots aren’t THAT good to be 14-0 (yes they are good, and some of the teams they have played aren’t, but 14-0!? Charles Barkley: C’mon man!).  The Black Sox are quietly putting together a very good season as they now stand 11-4-1 overall and are only 1 game and 1.5 games (in the divisional standings) behind the first and second place teams in the mighty Monongahela Division, respectively.  Meanwhile, former “A” team and highly active Crip recruiters, the Carrick Express, have fallen to a dismal 0-10 in the Mon division.

Was gonna put a crip pic here but I was afraid of getting shot

As for the anal Allegheny Division, your Bulldogs remain on top with an 11-5 record.  Only 3 of the 5 teams in the division are above .500 overall, as former “A” team the Hebrew Oilers and expansion team Cranberries are finding the going harder than expected with 3-10 and 5-11-1 records, respectively.  As far as divisional standings go, the Slurricanes are nipping on the ‘dogs heels with a 5-2 record while the Bulldogs stand at 5-1 and the West View Sharks, who have played the fewest games of anyone in the NABA this season, stand at 2-1.  The Bulldogs still have 2 to play against our tough divisional rival, the Slurricanes; 2 to play against the Sharks; and 1 a piece against the Cranberries and Oilers.

DON'T type in anal pictures on google...seriously. Don't. There's some messed up shit on there.

And the “A” league…who gives a shit.  Editor’s note: the Senators have given up 202 runs this season in 17 games.  I feel bad.

Fucked up, but guess he said it

Next subject.  The best of three championship series in the College World Series kicked off last night with the South Carolina GameCOCKS beating the Florida Gators 2-1 in 11 innings.  It honestly might have been the best baseball game I have ever watched.  Did anyone see South Carolina’s 2B make those two ridiculous plays in the bottom of the ninth, no outs, with Florida having the bases loaded!?  The dude seriously has the testes of a champion.  If you haven’t seen it, FIND IT SOMEWHERE AND WATCH.  And how shitty would it be, as Florida found out, to lose on a stolen base, throwing error by the catcher, and then throwing error by the CF?  Sounds like a 28+ Bulldogs game, minus the 2-1 part.  (Still love you guys).

Speaking of the 28+ squad, I believe their record stands at 5-9.  I don’t know how their season or playoffs work, so here’s hoping they turn it around in time to make a playoff push.  Or maybe all their years of wild hedonism has finally caught up to their old, decrepit bodies.  (Still love you guys).

28+ team

Elsewhere, the U.S. soccer team blew a 2-0 lead, which in baseball is equivalent to a 15-0 lead or in the NFL is a 64-0 lead, or in the NBA 115-0 lead, to lose to those Corona-sipping bastards Mexico, 3-2.  And that’s enough about soccer.  It sucks and that’s why I had to at least include the score references.

I’m trying to think of more gossip cause Yahoo is my home page and I always read the stupid articles on there, um…Kim Kardashian defended herself that she has never had plastic surgery, Jennifer Aniston got her first tattoo of her dead dog’s name on the instep of her foot, and Olivia Wilde was caught without makeup.

You're welcome.

In other entertainment news, Transformers: Dark of the Moon comes out tomorrow and I have been walking around nursing a semi for the past few weeks; needless to say I’m stoked to see it and you should be too.  Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 comes out July 15, and I’m ashamed to say I’m pretty excited to see that as well.  Mainly because I have so many fuckin questions about the other 500 movies (really only 7) that I just want to see the film to wrap everything up in my pretty lil’ head.  But if they pull a Matrix Revolutions ending and it has a shitty conclusion, I swear I’ll assassinate every single one of those little fuckers.  On a sadder note, I hope the kids who have acted in every one of the movies have saved all their cash and invested it wisely, because they will never be heard from again due to no directors clamoring for their outstanding acting skills.

And that’s it for me this week folks, I’ve scraped the bottom of the barrel to bring you some form of intellectual stimulation and entertainment.  Hope all is well and I’ll be back next week to hopefully deliver more exciting and perverse rhetoric that you can enjoy.  I’m out like Michael Jackson’s dick at a playground (too soon?).  Peace.

What a freak. Made some good tunes though.

If he can do it, why not everyone? But who would bang this uggo anyways

Last Saturday saw the ‘dogs take on their hated division rival, the Hebrew Oilers.  In my 1.5 seasons with the Bulldogs we were 0-4 against those champions of circumcision, including a first round loss last year in the playoffs.  Needless to say, the ‘dogs always managed to play their worst game when it came to playing the greasy Oilers.  This game however would be different as the Bulldogs sent big game hunter Christian Necheff to the mound.

DO NOT type "circumcision pictures" into Google

As I have very few brain cells left from years of hedonism, alcoholism, and too many acts of debauchery, I cannot recall exactly when all the scoring took place, but just know your hometown heroes banged out 14 hits with five ‘dogs having multiple hits.  Necheff was also solid on the mound, striking out 7 Oilers and holding them to 3 runs in five innings.  Oh yes, you read that right, the ten-run-rule came into effect when Fleming (was it him?) hit a sac fly to right allowing newbie Jeff Rowand to tag from third for the clinching run.  Bulldogs 13, Oilers 3. 

Game. Blouses.

It felt good to finally exorcise the demons that had plagued the Bulldogs when it came to playing the Oilers.  Hopefully we can keep it up as the 'dogs have one regular season contest left against those faithful fans of potato pancakes.  Interesting side note, and yes we won so it did not cost us, but still want to point it out: even if we overlooked the piss-poor strike zone judgment of the umpiring crew, an easy call was blown.  On a play at the plate where our catcher (in this case Mighty Joe Graff) moved up the line a little bit to receive a feed from the outfield and the runner from third ran into him while he was attempting to catch it, interfering with him enough to where he could not make the play.  This is an easy call by anyone who knows the NABA is a “recreational” league (and hopefully the umps would know where or for whom they are umpiring) with no contact at the plate or on the bases.  Would the umpire have called him safe if he did that running into a 2^nd baseman trying to make a play in the field? No, he would have been out…common sense.  Have some pride in your profession.

On to more happy things.  Oh wait, there isn’t because we played the undefeated Elliott Elliotts next at Herschel Field.  The Bulldogs were shorthanded, with only nine players showing up, but it’s still no excuse.  As has been said all season long, the Elliotts are a solid hitting team, but the pitching and defense are average, yet no one can seem to come out and knock them off the top spot.  The ‘dogs lost to them in the first game of the year 5-1 due to it being the first game of the year and the pitching and hitting were still rusty, and we played almost equally as poorly this time around.

Justin Stark took the bump for the Bulldogs and threw a complete game, giving up four earned runs, while looking like a true pitcher at the plate.  However, the ‘dogs could only muster three runs offensively and after a few walks and a few miscues on the defensive side of the ball, the good guys ended up taking the loss, 5-3.  Unfortunately team motivational speaker, starting shortstop, and resident model Jeff Trojan couldn’t pull his best Jordan impression as he had been battling a severe butthole virus for the past 36 hours.  However, several times through the game he would glance over at the restroom wishing it and he could be one, but he clenched as tight as BJ clenches his jaws doing bicep curls and stayed in the game without any accidents.

'Nuff said

This came up under "painful toliet pictures" on google. Had to post.

Another one for "painful toliet pictures" on google

Another side note: first I would like to apologize to the home plate umpire for drawing a line in the dirt where the strike three was called on me 8 inches inside.  I was sore, cranky, and obviously reverted to bush-league cry-baby status like ¾ of the Fed League and several teams in the NABA, and for that, I truly apologize.  And I can appreciate having a consistent strike zone, as long as it’s hittable; BUT calling pitches 6 inches to a foot inside strikes is just wrong.  There’s no way you can cover the rest of the plate when you have to be worried about getting rung up on a pitch 8 inches in (giggiddy).  And the same ump pulled the same shitty zone bullshit at Springview versus the Ducks (that’s not why we lost, either game, but it makes baseball less fun to play).  Have some pride in your profession and learn how to call a fair fucking zone, it’s been pathetic this year.  And how can you not notice a bunt off the hitter’s ankle when you’re a field umpire!?  Pay attention and…HAVE SOME FUCKIN PRIDE IN YOUR PROFESSION.  It’s not even like I’ve been rung up a lot on bad pitches (which I have), but I’m looking out for my boys, cause I want them to have a fair shake.  Holla at ya boy.

I do it for MY HOMIES

Whew, that was fun.  In other news, Bulldog butt-buddies Dustin Hirsh and Marc Morris made a trip to the dirty south and are currently visiting the ATL.  Apparently young Dustin is looking to lose his virginity in some hot interracial tranny action while Morris is looking to give his arm some rest and memorize the Victoria’s Secret catalog before he gets demoted to the Bulldog’s Triple A affiliate, the South Oakland Ovaries.

Hirsh's dream girl/guy

Well in all honesty, that's all I can do this week, I still feel like shit (no pun intended).  The Bulldogs face the Ghetto Express Saturday morning at John Herb, so this time we won't have to worry about getting gunned down in the parking lot due to a crack deal gone bad.  After that game the 'dogs are off for an entire week to get nice and rusty for a big conference game the following Saturday against the Slurricanes.  So everybody keep it real, wrap it up, and I'm out like a fat girl in a two-piece.  PEACE.

P.S. And don't forget to check out the 6/9 Bulldogs Weekly if you missed it last week (it was a much better effort and happier tone than this week)...giggiddy

Last week I wrote all about how good things were going for the ‘dogs as we had won seven in a row from the previous week’s post, and, well…that’s the last time I’m doing that shit.  The Bulldogs have dropped the past two contests against solid competition, but no excuses; it still was not up to the Bulldog standard of baseball.  Allow me to elaborate…

Last Saturday saw the Bulldogs square off against the legendary Brookline Black Sox at the ass crack of dawn at John Herb field.  The squad arrived bright and early to find that for the first time this season, the field did not need ten pounds of kitty litter to be playable.  Instead it was as dried out as an 80 year old woman and would make ground balls hop in a way that would be similar to a rabbit with Down syndrome.  Think about that.

Special rabbit

Justin Stark was the starter for the Bulldogs but of course the game was delayed because he was busy firing one out.  Seriously, the whole defense was out on the field, ready to go, and Stark was still taking the Browns to the Super Bowl.  Get some Imodium AD man.  Nevertheless, Stark took the mound (hopefully after he washed his hands) for the first time in what seemed like a month (due to the busy schedule of a law student and subservient husband) to mixed results.  Yes the defense played shitty behind him, and he got no run support, but the long layoff seemed to have made his breaking ball hang like the legendary Peter North.  Stark worked 5 innings, giving up 6 hits and 4 runs, only 2 of which were earned.

The f'in MAN

The Black Sox starting pitcher kept the ‘dogs hitters off balance all day, throwing a meat fastball and an over-the-top deuce, then tuning up the fastball once he got ahead in the count and we never adjusted.  John Watson made a relief appearance on the rubber looking to redeem himself for the 7 walk performance against the Eagles, and threw well in 2 innings of work, striking out 2 and giving up an unearned run.  In the end the Bulldogs came out as flat as Morris’s girlfriend and finished just as flat, getting shutout for the first time this season 5-0.

This came up when I typed in "flat girlfriend pictures" on Google. Enjoy

The next matchup for the Bulldogs came last night in the middle of the ghetto against the “mighty” Ducks.  Each member of the ‘dogs were required to fashion a sharpened toothbrush in case shit started to pop off and we needed to stab ribcages.  The field itself was a complete mess, as usual, and no decent baseball player should ever have to step on that turd of a playing surface.  The ‘dogs defense itself played well, the only error coming when BJ dropped his mouthpiece in the dirt.  Idiot.  Mouthpieces belong in your mouth, not out of it (see, I took the high road; I could have went anywhere with that).

It's shank or be shanked in the 'pen...or Springview

Back to the action…heavy Dick Larson got the starting nod for the ‘dogs, looking to extend his streak of solid pitching.  Larson pitched well, throwing all 8 innings, striking out 9 while giving up 5 hits.  Unfortunately, the Ducks starter matched his solid output, throwing all 8 as well while striking out a ridiculous 12 Bulldogs and giving up only ONE HIT.  DAMNIT.  Both teams struggled to score, considering the lighting is so poor at Springview and the umpire behind the plate had a strike zone so big you could fly a 747 in it.  Honestly, it was the worst umpiring effort I have seen all year, and that says A LOT.  People with eyeglasses that have lenses as thick as the Hubble telescope should be turned away at the door when they apply to be an umpire…common sense.

Ump's glasses

Anyways, a solid effort by both teams, then in the bottom of the 8^th, with 2 outs, the Ducks batter walked and then advanced to second on a single by the next hitter.  The following Ducks batter hit it up the middle and due to the hilly nature of the outfield; the ball hopped up on the charging CF and allowed the winning run to score.  Honestly, that would happen to anyone in that situation…you have to charge to prevent the run scoring straight up, but when playing on a shitty surface you have to sit back; it was a lose-lose for the Bulldogs.  The one thing I forgot to mention Watson: maybe if you didn’t have that babydick glove you could have caught it .  Just messing stud, that would have happened if you had a glove the size of Kim Kardashian’s vagina (think Marianas Trench; Google it if you don’t know what that is).

Thanks for the pic, whore...side note: from the waist down it looks like Miller

Final score, Ducks 1, good guys 0.  Ducks’ owner and resident beer and peanuts vendor Ben Gwin continued his streak of dirty plays against the Bulldogs by stepping on Vinny’s foot so hard at first that Vin’s cleat came off.  For those unaware, Gwin slapped a tag in BJ’s face last season that caused him to get cosmetic surgery (that’s right, he hasn’t always looked that rugged and studly) and why he has to wear a mouthpiece.  Karma’s a bitch.  And for that matter, so is herpes.  And listening to women talk.  The list could go on and on.

R.I.P. Lemonade guy

Anyways, the Bulldogs came out flat for the second straight game and it cost us.  We’re a better hitting team than what we’ve shown the past 2 games and we plan to take it out on the Oilers and their sloppy girlfriends Saturday.  Another 8:30 AM game, I hate you Joe.  Hopefully the weather cooperates but they’re predicting 50% chance of thunderstorms for the next three days, so who knows what the fuck will happen.  All we know is the division games are what matter and then we’ll come out in the playoffs and start mushroom-stamping with authority.

Bulldogs' M.O.

In other news, JLo apparently has a sex tape that is soon to be released.  All I can say is…it’s about damn time.  But as far as her new single that is out, talking about hittin the club up and getting loose; aren’t you like 40-something with a couple kids?  Time to give that shit a rest, I don’t care if you are attempting an ill-advised comeback (which would explain the release of the sex tape, a-la Paris Hilton and the aforementioned Kim Kardash.), people over 30 with a family should not be rapping or singing about “getting it in on the floor”.  Pathetic.

Give it up already...whoops, wrong words...too late

Also, I highly advise my readers to start watching the show “Workaholics” on Comedy Central Wednesday nights at 10:30.  It’s about 7 or 8 episodes into the first season, so if you have on demand or anything, WATCH THEM ALL.  This is the greatest show of all time, no exceptions.  The crude humor, perversion, and partying we all love and enjoy is thoroughly engrained in the show’s writing and acting.  I give this show 3 thumbs up…and yes, I only have 2.  Think about that.

Watch it...seriously

Well that’s about it for this week, sorry I didn’t have more interesting and humorous adventures to share with you, still kind of salty about going 0-2 since the last article.  Hopefully I have better news to share after Saturday’s divisional showdown with the “Hebrew” Oilers who we are 0-4 against in my time with the Bulldogs.  In all fairness, all four of those games were close and most likely should have been victories for the ‘dogs.  Also, we have a rematch against the undefeated Elliott Elliotts next Wednesday so that should provide some fodder for your intellectual stimulus.  So on that note, I’m out like Khloe Kardashian’s nipple in a Fox interview.  Peace.

What a pig. Odom must regret that one.

And oh yeah, just realized the title of the article has 6/9 in it...giggiddy.

Old School 'Glide

Over the past few weeks we have seen a tremendous run by the 18+ Bulldogs as they now stand at 9-2 on the season with a 4-1 record in the division (the division record is important because the winner of the division gets a 2-round bye in the playoffs, and that helps considering the ‘dogs have never made it out of the FIRST ROUND).  The only losses this season came from the new whiners of the league, the Elliot Elliots, in the first game of the year, and to the greasy Oilers in a game that was as sloppy as their girlfriends.

Slops Mcgee

In a quick rundown of the games and scores since our last online orgy of words, the ‘dogs beat the militant Militia 6-2 on May 15, behind a complete game effort by long Dick Larson.  This was a game that no one expected to play due to the monsoon season that dominated the ‘burgh through April and the beginning of May, but thanks to PA taxpayers’ funded artificial turf infield at a school that probably enjoys basketball more than baseball, we were able to get it in.  On a side note, this game was also an attempt to host “the dating game” for senior citizens as Larson’s grandma and Hirsh’s grandpa were in attendance.  Unfortunately since I have a potty mouth, grandma Larson probably heard some shit that she didn’t even know existed; please apologize for me Rich.

Sorry Rich's gma

Back to the action…the Bulldogs’ next game was at home on May 21 and saw them face the upstart young bucks, the Cranberry Cranberries.  Not much was known about this squad besides the fact that they still need to pay strangers to go into convenience stores to buy cigs and porno mags for them.  But to be honest, they were a great group of guys and even chased down foul balls though we were the home team; I’ve never seen that in the NABA and I truly appreciate it.  Big Dick Larson was on the bump again for the ‘dogs and pitched another complete game gem, shutting out the Cranberries 5-0.

The next contest saw the Bulldogs travel to the projects of Carrick to face the Express.  Formerly an “A” team last year, the Express decided to step their game up and play with the big boys this season.  I arrived late to the field in the Pontiac Montana to find that the game was delayed due to a shooting on the field, someone’s baby-momma who was in the middle of her birth spasm, and two smack-heads wrestling over a half-eaten jelly donut in centerfield.  No, not really, some little hoodlums were finishing their game and the parents, who I don’t know when the last time they showered or looked in the mirror, kept screaming random sentiments which have no place on a classy article like this.  Christian Necheff toed the rubber for the ‘dogs and pitched a complete game beauty, with the good guys winning 5-0.

Gimme some crack!

The neat thing about this game was that in the bottom of the 6^th, the fuckin lights went out, probably due to an 11 o’clock curfew for the criminals in attendance and for the safety of the innocent civilians taking part in America’s pastime.  Also, NA grad and Coach Graff’s former protégé, Eric Harbinson made his Bulldog’s debut playing solid defense at 2^nd base.  And last note about this game: I’ve noticed about this year’s NABA is that there is more complaining (whining) than ever before.  Yes there were some decent human beings on the Express, but there was some serious bitching about calls that weren’t even close.  This goes for them, the Sharks, and the Elliots: it’s summer baseball, in Pittsburgh, on fields Dominicans wouldn’t even play on…relax guys.

Chill, it's just a game

The next matchup for the ‘dogs was on May 26 at Moore Park against the Cranberries.  This was another game we were fearful would be rained out due to lots of green and red on the gaydar (no, actually radar, but I had to make the joke), but fortunately we got done in 5 innings and made it out just when the rain started.  The Bulldogs had a big day at the plate, scoring 17 runs against a solid Cranberry team that just seemed to have an off day.  Jeff Trojan hit what was probably his first triple ever and if he didn’t have bum wheels could have been an in-the-park home run while gay-Ugg-wearing Watson had a triple of his own (hit the weight room and he might have made it over the 312 foot fence).  Girthy Dick Larson took the mound yet again for the Bulldogs and pitched effectively, holding the ‘berries to 1 run in 4 innings.  New-er (yet older and slightly gay-er) Bulldog Adam Chambers came on in the bottom of the 5^th to “close” it out, being effectively wild in the process.  Final score, good guys 17, Cranberries 1.

Hit the weights Watson

On to the biggest disappointment of the column, the Bulldog’s game at home on May 28 against the “A” league squad, the South Side Eagles.  First off, the game should have never been played.  I appreciate the enthusiasm and determination by the ‘dogs’ front office to get the game in, but in places the field looked like Stark’s toilet deposits after a Mad Mex night.  Secondly, the ‘dogs were scrambling for players after most of the squad were busy checking out floral arrangements and after-hour sales on “personal massagers” so we were forced to pull from our 28+ team with Matrix hacker Mike Martin and tequila-connoisseur Brian Strom making a triumphant return to the team they helped form. 

For those of you who don't know what a "personal massager" looks like

Anyways, after about an hour and a half of field prep, the Bulldogs took the field with steer and queer banger Tex Watson on the mound.  I don’t want to go into much detail but let’s just say the mound was in bad shape, none of the pitchers we had available had thrown in a while, and their vaginas were hurting.  Brian Miller came in relief of Watson and left with a probable arm injury and Dustin Hirsh came in to record the final 4 outs.  All told, the Bulldog’s pitching only allowed one hit, but THIRTEEN walks and we barely escaped with a win of 9-6.  The Commish also started the game behind the dish, but certainly needs to break that crusty catcher’s mitt in.  Yes I know the pitchers were wild, but you gotta put as much energy into catching those balls as you do in catching dudes’ balls (giggiddy).  And oh yeah, even though we were solely responsible for getting the field into semi-playable shape, we were still pushed off the field at 11 after only 5 innings for the North Hills brats.  No justice in the world I tell ya.

Another one of my idols

And lastly, the Bulldogs faced off against the Slurricanes (get it? they swear a lot) last night at Burkett field.  Once I arrived at the field I was shocked to see so many Bulldogs players and thought I had the wrong field.  But apparently everybody’s dicks were as engorged as mine at the thought of winning a big divisional matchup.  Even future doctor of proctology and newest Bulldog Jeff Rowand made his first appearance of the year, but unfortunately he failed our new guy initiation rituals regarding religion, sexual orientation, and demographical questions, so his time on the squad is limited.

Slurricane slide last year at Spring Hill

This would be the pitching matchup of the year for the NABA as Slurricane’s stud Rafalski (I won’t call them the fightin’s, I’m more witty than that) would face off against Bulldog’s co-ace Christian Necheff.  Whoa, almost forgot about the heartfelt but somewhat disturbing national anthem that took place before the game.  The Bill Paxton look-alike did a nice job and I can certainly appreciate his candor about his duties (haha, duties), but his wardrobe of choice was…questionable.  Not as bad as Janet Jackson’s titty at the super bowl halftime show, but questionable. 

Twins

Back to the action…both aces would shut their opposing teams out for the first few innings but the Bulldogs would eventually take a walk here and there and start hitting.  John Watson finished with 2 rbi’s and Zac Koeske would have the other rbi (yeah, I recruited him, suck it).  The 3 runs would be all that Necheff would need as he would go 7 strong innings for the complete game shutout.  The infield was a rock solid mess which would explain a few tough defensive plays on ground balls for an otherwise solid defensive Slurricane’s squad (but all Bulldogs’ runs were earned).  Marc Morris was solid behind the dish for the ‘dogs, being an impenetrable wall (unlike his butthole) and throwing out 2 attempted base-stealers.

Whoever made this pic doesn't know how to conjugate "you're"...idiots

I also would like to give a shout-out to the dozens of fans in attendance (not really, like eight) but who’s enthusiasm we could not have done without (not really, they were enjoying their sushi and slamming box wine all game long).

Bulldogs' faithful

Coming up for the ‘dogs are two non-divisional matchups against the Black Sox on June 4 and against our hated blog-rivals, the Ducks on June 8.  I have no idea about what the Sox bring to the table as no one in the league is entering stats or even game results.  All we know is they employ the legendary Kenny Powers, fresh off his stint in the Mexican leagues and who has a son he didn’t know was his on the way.  The Ducks however have finally received their college reinforcements, although I read one of their post-game blog posts that said their defense was rusty; how could it be rusty if they’ve been playing ball all spring?  Another one of life’s great mysteries, like who banged the first chimpanzee to bring AIDS to the human race?  Interesting stuff.

Would you bang this? Didn't think so.

In non-NABA related action, the world was supposed to end a week or so ago.  Has anyone seen this dude who keeps making these idiotic predictions?  Here’s the pic below; he looks like Joe Dirt 40 years from now, why the fuck does anyone listen to him?  His DNA is so inbred he probably can’t even read a calendar, let alone a bible, so who would be stupid enough to believe anything that came out of his mouth, let alone a prediction about the end of the world.  You people are media-retards.

Joe Dirt's brother

Well that’s about it for this week gaylords, thanks for stopping by and enjoying the festivities.  Hopefully my lazy ass keeps track of the upcoming events and doesn’t leave you lonely for another 2+ weeks like I did for the end of May.  Once again please accept my humblest apology and know I will never leave you wronwrey again.  Until next time, I’m out like a boner in sweatpants (how did I not use this one before!?)…PEACE.

I won't leave you wronwrey again

Self-explanatory

P.S. Almost left out a pic of the man, the myth, the legend...PETER NORTH

Vintage North

Vagisil with a Strong Showing

Searches for "Vagisil" and pictures or vagisil really made a jump this month. Chuck Norris jeans also had a good month.  Former Bulldog(?) Jay Yorty crept into the top 5, while "beth ann tiedeman" is still making a strong showing with 4 total searches for the month.

And although Joe Graff is gassy, people still find him tolerable, partly because he sucks like a creepy uncle and is still the sexiest asian baseball player in Pittsburgh.

This is how Joe stretches.

Enjoy.

1) I haven't posted in over two months.

2) I didn't realize it was Beaver Week.

I begin this post with a sincere apology, and hope to earn back your trust and respect.

To respond to the first terrible oversight, I will use two very sorry excuses. 1) I was busy, and 2) I deferred to the verbal wizardry of Trojan. To be fair, Trojan brings an extension repertoire of fart jokes and otherwise offensive humor; but I'd like to think that there is a place for my intellectual and prophetic ramblings.

To get back on the right road...

The 28 and over team is scheduled to play this weekend against the dreaded Beavers.  The 28+ team opened its season with two tough losses at the hands of the Elizabeth Rebels on a cold and wet day.

In contrast to Trojan, I intend this post to be for all readers.  Therefore I have included references that should pique the curiosity of a variety of readers.

The Bulldogs are hoping the next few days see abundant sunshine so they are able to get their games in against the Beavers.  The forecast does call for a shower on Sunday.  As long as the weather holds the next two days, I'm  sure no one will mind playing against some wet Beavers Sunday.

The Bulldogs have had their share of early season injuries this year on both teams, and pitching has been hit especially hard.  The 28+ plus team will be introducing some new talent on the mound recruited by their hard-working GM and management team.

The 18 and Over Team will look to thwart the efforts of the expansion Cranberry "Young Guns" (seriously) on Saturday morning.  With injuries to our infield (and one expectant Dad),  Trojan will look to hold down the fort until the cavalry arrives.

But back to the Beavers...  After a three week "Bye", the 28 and over team looks to resume play at the friendly confines of Avonworth High School this Sunday morning.  The Bulldogs return largely the same lineup from 2010, and look to rekindle the winning ways this week.

The Bulldogs will feature alternate uniforms this week in honor of their opponents.

Just kidding.  There has been a decidedly terse debate though over our new hats.  There are two options.  One option is preferred by the older members of the Bulldogs.  This hat reflects both tradition, and carries with it the dignified air that the Bulldogs organization has prided itself on.  Some may say that it is not as "cool-looking" as others.  Veterans will tell you that it's all about the "feel".  The older guys enjoy the feel of this model as it slips on their head: looks be damned.

Option #2 is the model preferred by the members of our 18+ coaching staff and the artist formerly known as Maul.  It's look is still 100% natural, and has a particular flair to it.  To those who think that looking good is part of the game, this is the hat for you:

We will leave it up to our readers to weigh in on the decision for this week's headwear.

Speaking of this week's readers.  I feel obligated in this shitty post (I paid $.99 to Vinny as that is a trademarked phrase) to include a rules tidbit.

An error is scored when a fielder fails to make a play with routine effort.  However, a error is not charged on a play where a mental error, or slow play is the cause of the offensive player gaining a base.  Therefore, when a fly ball falls in 5 feet from where the outfielder was when the ball was hit, it is not ruled an error if 1) the player could not make the play due to physical limitations; or 2) the player lacked the mental capacity to understand that catching the fly ball is the proper thing to do.

Trojans #1 Online Reader - 3-4 vs. the Bulldogs with 3 losses in 3 games, 1 caught stealing to end a 17-2 game, and ZERO ERRORS

With that, I'm out like a boner in sweatpants.

If you would like to take a quiz on your knowledge of beavers, please take the following quiz:  Self-Quiz: Know Your Beaver

In the two months until my next post, please be sure to contribute to our sponsor and vote on our new hats.

A Worthy Charity

Me

Well my pessimism was well placed last week as our game against the Warriors did end up being rained out but we did manage to get two games in over the weekend.  The Saturday game saw the Bulldogs open up divisional play against our hated rivals, the Hebrew Oilers.  First off, an 8:30am start time is horrible for anyone involved, but considering the alcoholics on our squad, it is practically a death sentence.  Fortunately, nobody showed up in the morning smelling of Jose Cuervo and hooker spit so it was a good start.  The sun was shining for the start of the game but became increasingly cloudy quickly with a light rain through the final innings before it became sunny again.  Have I ever mentioned how much I hate western PA? 

Miller's date

Also of note during the pre-game festivities, ace pitcher Justin Stark and I met for a quick game of “battle-shits” in the John Herb restrooms.  Needless to say, Stark won by a LANDSLIDE (think about that) due to his previous evening’s consumption of Mad Mex chicken wings and Mexican beer.  He may look and act like the nicest kid alive, but it’s all a show, as he’s just as crude and perverted as any of us and his performance in that stall will go down in history for that bathroom.  Kudos to you Stark. 

Stark's Artwork

Anyways, the contest began well for the ‘dogs as they quickly put up three runs in the bottom of the first inning.  Unfortunately that would be one of the few highlights of the game for the Bulldogs as we played one of the worst defensive games of our brief history.  Stark got the nod on the bump for us and pitched well but the defense behind him never played the way we are used to.  A few hits here and there and the greasy Oilers were up 4-3 after two innings although those were all earned.  It wasn’t until the fifth inning, with the score knotted up at 4-4 when the wheels came off with the ‘dogs recording four errors in the frame to let the Oilers go up 7-4.  We managed to squeeze one across in the bottom of the fifth and shut them out in the sixth when the best part of the game came for the ‘dogs (I don’t know if the innings are correct, our scorebook is a mess so just suck it and keep reading).

Oiler

In the next inning, the Bulldogs managed to put up seven runs of our own due to some poor defense as well on the part of the boys who wear yamakas.  This led to a sigh of relief as the ‘dogs thought the game was pretty much closed out.  Now I’m not sure the particular number of batters our pitchers faced but Stark went the first 4-5 innings and we brought in new stud Rich Larson for the next 1.5 innings.  After a solid inning, Larson put two runners on in the next and we brought in hired gun and noted pedophile Brian Miller to close out the game.  Only after the tying run was either on base or had crossed home plate did the team discover Miller was hurting and wasn’t able to crank his fastball up to his accustomed velocity.

Oiler 2

Anyways we brought in head coach BJ Rankin to try and salvage the inning but another Bulldogs error allowed the inning from hell to continue and the Oilers were up again.  After a few more batters and a few more runs, Rankin felt his elbow pop and he was done for the game, thus necessitating bringing in yet ANOTHER pitcher, Big Tex Watson.  At this point, all the snotty little North Hills kids and their degenerate parents were becoming impatient as our game had run over the allotted time limit.  Watson eventually got out of the inning with the boys from Jerusalem up 15-11.  Of course the Bulldogs went quietly into that good night in the bottom of the inning, being retired in order 1-2-3.

All in all it was a hugely disappointing effort by the young ‘dogs in their opening divisional game, especially since we always manage to bring our weakest stuff when we face the Oilers.  Who knows how many earned runs there actually were for either team, I’m too lazy to try and decipher the Da Vinci Code of the scorebook so kiss my ass and let’s move on.

Fortunately the Bulldogs were back in action the next day on Sunday against another divisional opponent, the newly minted West View Sharks (formerly Etna Matadors) at North Hills High School.  Christian Necheff took the mound for the ‘dogs, hoping to salvage what had already become a horrendous weekend.  Marc Morris however was fighting some kind of stomach irritation where he was firing out of both ends so he had two at-bats then gave way to the Commish behind the dish (rhymes, get it?).

Morris in action

This game would go much better for the Bulldogs as they played solid defense behind Necheff who threw a complete game gem, striking out ten and allowing only one hit.  Interim shortstop Jeff Trojan proved his previous game’s effort against the Oilers was only a mirage as the ‘dogs played flawless defense behind the big lug on the rubber.  We also hit well with Joe Graff recording two hits before fouling a ball off his ankle that made it swell up like Peter North’s gigantic member.  A fine effort behind the plate as well for the Commish although it was probably more stubborn than commendable to stay back there after his hurting himself.  New Bulldog Adam Chambers also had a multi-hit game but still disgraced himself after rolling over on a grounder when he was in a 3-0 count (which he will be fined for, probably handies for the whole team behind the dugout after our next game…no, seriously, ask Watson about fines for bush-league behavior).

The Ultimate Man

And speaking of BUSH-LEAGUE, several of the Sharks fans made disparaging comments about the umpires leaning towards the Bulldogs because the Commish is on our squad.  Are you serious?  If anything our team gets boned on league matters because the Commish is extra careful to avoid anything that would lead to the notion of favoritism.  Also, Sharks players were seen to be calling out Bulldogs player’s names who were trying to catch fly balls and make plays in addition to just being overall poor sports.  This journalist doesn’t remember that kind of behavior from the Matadors, must have been just a couple of bad seeds they picked up.

A-Rod = Shark?

BUT BACK TO THE GAME.  The final score wound up being Bulldogs 7, Sharks 1; so that’s a happy ending (giggiddy).  Speaking of happy endings, the ‘dogs fanbase saw its most females ever attend a game with one wife and three girlfriends; keep up the support ladies, we sure do enjoy it (not to mention Vinny’s dad).

Happy endings

The weather has been gorgeous all week and of course we didn’t have any games scheduled.  We have two for the weekend, a divisional matchup again against the Sharks at home (at the asscrack of dawn) and an interdivisional battle against the Monroeville Militia at Woodland Hills High.  Last time I was there I left with a sore testicle and a stab wound in my left arm, so here’s hoping for a happier result.  This is all pure speculation of course because PIECE OF SHIT WESTERN PA is expecting rain for the next nine fucking days.

I’m sorry this wasn’t my best effort as it’s been a busy week and not much humorous has happened as I’m still bitter about that loss to the greaseballs.  I promise to pay more attention over the next week to anything funny and will deliver my usual dynamite punchlines and perverted points of interest.  So all the best to everyone, except the Oilers and Sharks and Ducks and Hurricanes and…well scratch that, just the Bulldogs.  Till next week, I’m out like an albino in flashlight tag.  PEACE.